It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
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After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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