i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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