Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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