I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
