What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
