The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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