Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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