Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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