When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
