don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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