im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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