my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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