Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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