I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
