So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
