For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
