it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Alive.
So much puke
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
