Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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