i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
