Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
