I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
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If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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