I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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