She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
