I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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