True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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