He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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