she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
