I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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