The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
