I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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