hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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