Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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