He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
