I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
