Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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