I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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