First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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