my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
