I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
