i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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