Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
