We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
