There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
