My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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