I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
