Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
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I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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