I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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