I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
