He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize