I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
