Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
