Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
