You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
