I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
