Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
