Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
