he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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